The Corona killer (& other cameos).

They poured out of the primary school, chatting nine to the dozen and three of them were chanting, “Corona, corona, I’m a virus, watch out!”

I was driving our left-hand drive van. Two teenage lads stopped, shot me dead with their fingers. I rolled down the window. They shouted, “Foreigner! Virus carrying foreigner!”

Is he going to isolate his house against coronavirus with all those loo rolls? Does he intend to lock his front door and barricade himself inside as he consumes all those packs of burgers? He who is fit, forty, is stealing what the elderly need and can’t find.

In our local DIY shop they said they’d sold £10,000 worth of paint in less than two days. I laughed, “Everyone’s going to have a lovely house by the end of this.

We’ve become used to the empty shelves in supermarkets but here in the countryside I’d thought people would be more restrained. At 7.30 this morning when buying sausages for breakfast, the butcher said his supply line is drying up. “People have panicked, two week’s of stock are sitting in their freezers. I’ve started rationing to ensure there’s enough for the elderly.”

A friend in France sent the following - “I’m not allowed into the forest to collect wood, nor to walk along isolated mountain tracks, even the cycle path is prohibited. They’ll soon be banning masturbation!”

He stopped to chat, adjusting his pipe from one side of his mouth to the other and we moved to avoid the cloud of smoke he puffed in our direction. He mistook our move as an intention to shake hands and rapidly stepped back. “Keep away! I’m self-isolating! I’ve serious cancer of the lungs.” The irony of it….

The little girl looked up at her mother whose hand she held, “Is it safe to hold your hand?”

“Yes dear, why?” “Will the coronavirus attack us for doing so?”

“No, well…”

The girl let go, lifted her hands and said, “I hate coronavirus!” Bam, Bam! She struck it.

She was chatting to somebody and called hello. I turned and walked towards her. She held out her hand, "STOP! Keep your distance." It must have been my crutch that frightened her?

They’ve run out of freezers!” “No wonder there’s no food in the shops!”

A man was being rude to a supermarket worker because he couldn’t find what he desperately wanted, when another shopper said, “It’s not her fault, it’s because people are over-buying in panic.” “This is not of your business!”

“But it is, we’re all in this together.”

“F* you,” the man went to hit the second man.

The worker called the management.

He was kicking anything out their way as he walked down the pavement, leaves, litter. “Not that!” His mother warned as his foot was about o smash out at dog poo.

“I’m a corona killer!” his face set in battle mode.

“We’ve sold an entire year’s stock of seeds and potting soil in three days!” They told me in our popular garden shop.

“Imagine all those gardens,” I laughed.

“Yes, we should have a competition - on-line of course!”

Whilst Italians are singing from their open windows, American’s are panic-buying guns and Brits are over-stocking with loo rolls and filling the pubs before it's banned, the French have closed restaurants and stopped people who sleep together walking together in the countryside.

You return from the shops, your plan to use just the left hand for public interaction has withered upon yet another testing. You opened the shop doors with which ever hand was convenient, maybe the same hand dug into your pocket, opened your wallet, sifted through your money, lifted goods handled by others. Returning home, you touched doorhandles, removed your shoes, OK, you’ve washed your hands and the door handle, but must you wash every item you’re about to place in the fridge or vegetable rack?

We'd been talking for a while and said goodbye. He who knew I was vulnerable removed his glove and reached out to shake my hand, without thinking, I did the same. As our hands met, my wife laughed, "Twice in the past ten days his doctor has rung and warned him how vulnerable he is!" 

Handy things to do to help you:-

Don’t just sit at home watching TV, bolster your immune system by moving all day long, even dancing to radio music. Every so often do a little and gentle standing press-up against the wall or work-top to strengthen the shoulders, back and chest. Exercising muscles stimulates the thymus gland into producing your immune system’s T-cells.

Here’s a link to a simple breathing exercise which helps the lungs (it helps me deal with constant pain)